Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.

I feel as if I have to give some pre-amble to this post as I think it will trigger quite a few people. Please try and have an open mind about the following subject as I find people will defend their positions very strongly without the use of facts.

The reason, I have felt the need to have a warning, is that once upon a time on a Humanist forum, marriage was being debated. I asked why people want to get married, and one guy was very angry, I must have triggered him, and even though I was very respectable, he did not relent. I do not want that to happen here.

If you want to learn about humanist views on marriage go here.

The delicate subject is marriage. My position is quite contrary, but I believe people should do what they want, so without further ado.

To set the scene, I am a 27-year-old male, that has been in a relationship for seven years almost to the week. My parents have been married for around 29 years, and are still going strong, and both my grandparents have been married 50+ years. So I do not have any close negative experiences of marriage. Up until I started to educate myself, around the age of 20, I had assumed that I would end up getting married, because that is what you do, right?

Currently, in the UK, anyone can get married to anyone, providing you’re over 16, not already married, and not closely related. If you’re under 18, you have to have your parents permission. Only same-sex couples can form a civil partnership, which I find the most strange of all the laws. For more information go here.

Now that I have set the scene, I can state my opinion on the subject. I personally do not see the appeal of marriage or civil partnerships – for the remainder of this article, I will just refer to marriage. I am not religious; this has been the case since I found about the big bang. No one could provide me with an answer to the question ‘where did God come from’, and since then, it was not a satisfactory worldview for me. Seeing as I am not religious there is no doctrine telling me whom and how I should love, in short, I can think for myself. This rules out one of the main reasons to marry. I am not aware of any religions that do not have some sort of marriage ceremony.

The second reason as to why I do not wish to be married is that I do not need to bind our houses for the security of the realm for centuries to come. Okay, that was a bit flippant, but it contains some truth in it. Until recently, the abstract concept of love had nothing to do with marriage. It was simply a way of making alliances and increasing labour forces. ‘How can I attack you now you’re family. It has been known that in some cultures that parents married one child to the spirit of a deceased child in order to strengthen family bonds! I am sure that system wasn’t abused…
So, there is no pressure for me and my partner to join families, as I imagine is the case for the vast majority of the western world, and there is another reason as to why I don’t need it.

When asked, some people cite the fact that you get tax breaks as a reason to get married. My response to this is: ‘How many years do you have to be married to gain back the money you spent on the wedding?’ My guess is that you do not get the money back. The average length of a marriage is 11 years, and the average wedding costs ~ £27,000, and the maximum you can save due to tax breaks is £238. Therefore, you will be, on average, £2000 a year worse off for the length of your marriage. Don’t get me started on the ring. So, there goes the economic argument. I have not even factored in the cost of divorce…

This last argument is the most convincing to me, and I suspect it is for most people. Marry someone because you love them. Well, sure, I have seen the adverts and the propaganda from the industry that is marriage. An absolutely massive industry by the way. And I do ‘Love’ my girlfriend, whatever that word means, but I do not feel the need to apply to the exam board, that is the government to validate this ‘love’. I would not feel any different towards my partner if I were to marry her. This has been corroborated by all the people I have asked about this, which is a large number of people as I am fascinated by why people get married. Mostly the response is: ‘it is just what you do’. When I ask my partner, her response is always: ‘ I just think it is nice’. My response is normally related to the return on investment as any increases in happiness will regress to baseline over time.

I know my happiness with her will not increase as I am already happy with her; if I have learnt anything from my education it is that hedonic adaptation comes for us all. After a period of time, this new level of happiness becomes the new normal, and marriage becomes as mundane as any other certificate you have received throughout your life. The joy from achieving a first class honours degree in the sciences wore off within a week. This regression toward the mean with respect to happiness Is never mentioned before you get married, all you hear are the jokes about the old ball and chain. For these reasons I do not think it is ‘worth’ the money; After all, you can’t shelter from the elements in a marriage.
My guess as to what people will say about this is that you will probably think that ‘I got married because I wanted to and didn’t really think about it’. I hope, dear reader, that you can convince me that marriage is a good idea. I do not believe you can do it, and you will have to use logic as I won’t listen to any hedonistic nonsense on the subject.

I will cover my views on Love in another post, but I suspect it will come from a utilitarian, biological, educated point of view.

Please, let me know why you got married, and If it was for a reason, I have not covered. Please do not, just give a negative comment unrelated to what I have been writing about in this post.

 

Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution – Mae West

 

If you want to read about marriage from a different perspective – someone living in the east and with a talent for writing – look at this blog! It is very good.