Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.

Wedding, Marriage

I feel as if I have to give some pre-amble to this post as I think it will trigger quite a few people. Please try and have an open mind about the following subject as I find people will defend their positions very strongly without the use of facts.

The reason, I have felt the need to have a warning, is that once upon a time on a Humanist forum, marriage was being debated. I asked why people want to get married, and one guy was very angry, I must have triggered him, and even though I was very respectable, he did not relent. I do not want that to happen here.

If you want to learn about humanist views on marriage go here.

The delicate subject is marriage. My position is quite contrary, but I believe people should do what they want, so without further ado.

To set the scene, I am a 27-year-old male, that has been in a relationship for seven years almost to the week. My parents have been married for around 29 years, and are still going strong, and both my grandparents have been married 50+ years. So I do not have any close negative experiences of marriage. Up until I started to educate myself, around the age of 20, I had assumed that I would end up getting married, because that is what you do, right?

Currently, in the UK, anyone can get married to anyone, providing you’re over 16, not already married, and not closely related. If you’re under 18, you have to have your parents permission. Only same-sex couples can form a civil partnership, which I find the most strange of all the laws. For more information go here.

Now that I have set the scene, I can state my opinion on the subject. I personally do not see the appeal of marriage or civil partnerships – for the remainder of this article, I will just refer to marriage. I am not religious; this has been the case since I found about the big bang. No one could provide me with an answer to the question ‘where did God come from’, and since then, it was not a satisfactory worldview for me. Seeing as I am not religious there is no doctrine telling me whom and how I should love, in short, I can think for myself. This rules out one of the main reasons to marry. I am not aware of any religions that do not have some sort of marriage ceremony.

The second reason as to why I do not wish to be married is that I do not need to bind our houses for the security of the realm for centuries to come. Okay, that was a bit flippant, but it contains some truth in it. Until recently, the abstract concept of love had nothing to do with marriage. It was simply a way of making alliances and increasing labour forces. ‘How can I attack you now you’re family. It has been known that in some cultures that parents married one child to the spirit of a deceased child in order to strengthen family bonds! I am sure that system wasn’t abused…
So, there is no pressure for me and my partner to join families, as I imagine is the case for the vast majority of the western world, and there is another reason as to why I don’t need it.

When asked, some people cite the fact that you get tax breaks as a reason to get married. My response to this is: ‘How many years do you have to be married to gain back the money you spent on the wedding?’ My guess is that you do not get the money back. The average length of a marriage is 11 years, and the average wedding costs ~ £27,000, and the maximum you can save due to tax breaks is £238. Therefore, you will be, on average, £2000 a year worse off for the length of your marriage. Don’t get me started on the ring. So, there goes the economic argument. I have not even factored in the cost of divorce…

This last argument is the most convincing to me, and I suspect it is for most people. Marry someone because you love them. Well, sure, I have seen the adverts and the propaganda from the industry that is marriage. An absolutely massive industry by the way. And I do ‘Love’ my girlfriend, whatever that word means, but I do not feel the need to apply to the exam board, that is the government to validate this ‘love’. I would not feel any different towards my partner if I were to marry her. This has been corroborated by all the people I have asked about this, which is a large number of people as I am fascinated by why people get married. Mostly the response is: ‘it is just what you do’. When I ask my partner, her response is always: ‘ I just think it is nice’. My response is normally related to the return on investment as any increases in happiness will regress to baseline over time. I know my happiness with her will not increase as I am already happy with her; if I have learnt anything from my education it is that hedonic adaptation comes for us all. After a period of time, this new level of happiness becomes the new normal, and marriage becomes as mundane as any other certificate you have received throughout your life. The joy from achieving a first class honours degree in the sciences wore off within a week. This regression toward the mean with respect to happiness Is never mentioned before you get married, all you hear are the jokes about the old ball and chain. For these reasons I do not think it is ‘worth’ the money; After all, you can’t shelter from the elements in a marriage.
My guess as to what people will say about this is that you will probably think that ‘I got married because I wanted to and didn’t really think about it’. I hope, dear reader, that you can convince me that marriage is a good idea. I do not believe you can do it, and you will have to use logic as I won’t listen to any hedonistic nonsense on the subject.

I will cover my views on Love in another post, but I suspect it will come from a utilitarian, biological, educated point of view.

Please, let me know why you got married, and If it was for a reason, I have not covered. Please do not, just give a negative comment unrelated to what I have been writing about in this post.

 

Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution – Mae West

Author: ljphd

Spend less than you earn, Invest the surplus, avoid debt. Eat food, not too much, mostly plants

87 thoughts on “Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.”

  1. I just cannot express my views on how beautiful this post is. So, I have decided that I will write a post in response to it and share my views on the ‘institution’ of marriage. ♥

    Like

  2. We got married simply because: we wanted to. We have friends who have been married for over 20 years, and we have friends who have been together for almost 20 years and never married, and we have friends who married after knowing each other for only a few months. I myself never thought I would get married. It just turned out to be right for us. Did hear a lot, though, as I was single up until my early 40’s. Tried not to buy into the Bridget Jones thinking. Sometimes that was very hard. Peer pressure? Can be way too corrosive.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. A very interesting post! Isn’t it funny how some people can get so offended by someone questioning these ‘sacred’ institutions. My own reason for getting married was that I wanted my partner, my boyfriend, to be recognised by the state/ society/ my family as being my ‘next of kin’, the most important person in my life. It kind of seemed like an important public statement to make. I’m not saying that’s a good reason or the right reason, but certainly for me, at that time 18 years ago, that’s what seemed important.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Would writing a will have been easier? I’m not trying to argue with you and I’m not anti-marriage. Would you get married at the age you’re now? I know it is hypothetical but it is enjoyable to wonder.

      Like

      1. Fair question… I think we already had wills at that point, having bought a house together the year before. I must also confess to wanting to have a disco where we could choose all the music. Which we did, and it was a brilliant night! Would I do it again? Sadly I’m starting to realise that it may not last forever, but it was right at the time and I don’t regret it.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I want to get married by civil because of tax breaks and also because of inheritance related things. We won’t spend money besides a nice lunch for family and some friends and the rings can be silver or other metsl. Marriage as a religious ceremony these days is mostly dick measuring and me and my wife (yea I call her wife anyway) don’t really care about that. From a civil point of view getting married has some perks because if I kick the bucket she’ll have acess to a small support from the state, and the other way around also.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ve been married 20+ years, but I can see several of the points you made to be valid. I think the important thing is that you and your partner need to be on the same page on this issue for the sake of the long-term health of your relationship. If you are both in agreement regarding what type of relationship you want, the actual type or title of that relationship is irrelevant.

    Also, would the addition of a child to the relationship alter or affirm your views on this matter?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am not sure what a child would do, I probably would want to look at what my legal situation is with regards to inheritance etc. At this point, I’m not sure it would make a difference, but I’m not anti-marriage per se. It’s more that I don’t understand it.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I feel like marriage functions as a symbol. So when people say they married for love, I think their marriage serves as a common outward symbol of their commitment to each other. I believe it’s possible to have that level of commitment to another person without marriage, but, you have to admit, marriage is an accepted symbol of love that many can recognize.

    But I’m not married, so maybe I have no clue what I’m talking about.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Hahaha I didn’t mean to sound so pessimistic about people getting married. Mayhaps they’re just very eager to demonstrate their commitment to people they know. So less of ego, more of…satisfaction with a joint accomplishment?

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Enjoyed reading! Thanks for checking out my post. Yours is specific to marriage, I’m not sure I’d argue for or against it necessarily, I’ve been married many years, I think for some it’s a celebration of commitment, and there are of course legal and practical implications depending on where people live and what their situation is. Legal rights for example when medical decisions must be made, insurance issues, etc. are very important when you share your life with someone, have children and property. In my mind, given my cultural background, marriage is something you choose freely, and it’s first and foremost a decision related to how you feel about a person. In other cultures, traditions play an important role in different ways than mine, so I can’t speak for them. But commitment is not necessarily marriage…so my post was focused on that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the legal issues are the most compelling argument, and if I were more knowledgeable on the subject I would have included it in my piece. Btw, I have just tried to click on the link back to your site and it says it is broken.

      Like

      1. I’m not sure why the link would be broken…that’s strange. maybe just a glitch..hopefully! And yes, the legal issues can get very complicated, it’s why ppl need living wills etc. and I’ve heard horror stories related to custody when families weren’t friendly, medical issues that couldn’t be resolved by the partner, and of course property battles. Also to consider…retirement, social security here in the US, etc. So the marriage thing I think looks very different to people depending on their financial situation/needs. And also frankly age.

        Like

      2. When I click the link it says, ‘sorry the site is disabled’.

        Yes, I imagine cultural and geographical perspectives change the view on this subject much more than others.

        Like

  8. I’m definitely not the person to convince you marriage is a good idea ^^”
    I’ve been with my partner since 2010 and engaged since 2012. The ring wasn’t expensive, he proposed in front of a castle, and it was awesome! But, neither of us can be bothered to plan a wedding. There are many things we’d rather spend the money on, we’re both introverts who hate parties or being the centre of attention, and I dislike the traditional idea of a wedding. I can’t think of any reason strong enough to motivate me to get married!

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Oh my, there are too many aspects of this for me to include all my opinions but I’ll try.
    I do feel that there is too much focus on the ‘day’, the dress, the event, the stag and hen nights. That often people focus on the reason rather than the partner (‘I’m that age’, ‘I want to have kids’, ‘everyone else is doing it’). Then, once they’ve gone through all the processes (wedding, honeymoon, dinner parties, kids), they look up and realise they have nothing in common with their partner once this list has been ticked off.
    I realise that makes me sound very cynical and smug, so apologies there.
    We’d been together about 10 years before we got married, and the catalyst was my being pregnant (which was planned 😉 ), then I think logistics kicked in, like having the same name, tax reasons etc (your argument about the cost of the wedding is sound, except we didn’t spend much on ours). I already planned to spend the rest of my years with him, so really the certificate is just a bit of paper that confirms that.
    It’s the person, and your relationship with them that’s important, not the ceremony, or the certificate.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Thanks for the comment Angela. You seem to have spent much more time thinking about it before taking the ‘plunge’ than most people. The same theme keeps coming up as an important reason, which is legal rights for family. Which seems to be the orignial reason for marriage all those centuries ago.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Interesting views! I’m in a Catholic university, and we just spent a semester focusing on a theology of sexuality and marriage. This was actually one of our topics! The following is, of course, colored a little bit by that Catholic background, but there might be aspects of the argument you might find applicable or compelling.

    Here’s a quote from one of my readings (by William Matttison) on the definition of marriage/married love, and an overview of ‘why marriage?’: “Married love is a commitment to share certain goods together in life: an intimate friendship where the good of the other becomes one’s own good, in openness to new life in possible children and the raising of those children together, and a participation in the life of a community as a unit (couple or family)…its [promised] permanence is crucial for two reasons. First, that permanence is the best setting to have and raise children. Second, that permanence makes possible certain facets of shared life together that are not otherwise possible.”

    To address the question “Can’t all of this be achieved with a piece of paper?”:

    1) “First, if that is indeed their intention, it matters that a couple be able to state clearly that they are promising to stay together permanently. Doing so ensures that both persons are on the same page about their relationship, and make clearly exactly what that page is. Without any decisive event signifying how the couple understands their relationship, that clarity is lacking. The couple likely shares a similar understanding of what it means to be together which, after all, sustains them in their relationship. But even in the presence of beautiful self-giving love, absent of a promise of permanence, it is not clear that each person has this understanding of the relationship, namely, as something both are committed to sustaining in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and so on. Furthermore, even with a shared understanding of full and mutual commitment, there may be only a vague sense of what full commitment means…Stating marriage vows does not only help clarify what it is that they commit to together.”

    2) “In the same way that verbal promises between the couple clarify the intent of their relationship to each other, the same is true of a public profession with the broader community. In this case the couple makes it clear to others – family, friends, the state, others who may interact with them in formal or informal ways – that they are a unit, two people bound together for the long haul…humans are social creatures. It is not simply that we are always around other people. Our very identities are shaped by our relations with others. Therefore, if a person in a relationship as important as marriage, which will be the primary relationship for that person for the rest of [their] life due to its promised permanence (something that even strong friendships do not formally have), it is only fitting for others who are in relationship with us to be aware of such a central relationship. Public profession of marriage vows do that.”

    3) “Someone may object, don’t the people you care about in your life know that you are in such a relationship? Actually, no. First of all, there are relationships that are not so personal (with the state, insurance companies, a child’s school, etc.) where this may not be known, and it is important that it is. Second, even when those close to a couple know that they are in a real serious relationship…[they] do not know whether or not the couple intends to make that relationship permanent. And thus they do not know how to treat the couple on certain occasions…In absence of public vows, others have not, in effect, been invited to treat the two people as a couple. Assuming both the primacy of the marital relationship in one’s life and the importance of our interactions with others around us, this is a real deficiency.”

    4) “…In more difficult times couples report they may stay together simply because they are married. Now this is not a good long-term reason to stay together…Granting that, marriage vows can get people through tough times when they do not feel like being married, but experience their commitment as a burden. In such times marriage vows are a support of the couple’s freedom, since they have decided (as evidenced by their vows) that staying together permanently is indeed what is best for them. Marriage promises not only can sustain the couple in times of hardship, but also hopefully act as an impetus not just to endure in hardship but to work together and address the sources of difficulties so as to live again in fulfilling a relationship with each other.

    And to address the costs of the wedding: “…Be careful to distinguish the wedding from being married. Getting married actually costs very little (usually some fees for a state license and blood tests, and perhaps a contribution to a church, if the ceremony is held there). Of course what does not cost little is the big wedding that so many of us envision on the occasion of our marriage vows…The couple must endure the difficulty of going ahead with what they, in good conscience, deem most important (if it is their marriage) even without the big wedding, or without the celebration of the marriage delayed to some point after the vows.”

    To summarize, the appeal of marriage is the public promise of a permanent, committed relationship. Is that what you and your partner want? Haha, my theology prof liked being thorough (so sorry for the word dump) but I’m curious to see what your take is on this. 😛 Thoughts?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ricky Gervais said he’ll get married when everyone can get married. That’s not really his reason but it, sounded good. Since, most civil laws of a country come from previous religious laws. Marriage, has been used for that connectedness, wife, church, and God all agree on this something called marriage.

    Now, that is the pretty version. It has become quite monetized and without the strong affirmation from the church. Also, women did not have the same rights as men until the last century and marriage allowed some security in case of death. Unfortunately, wife, the etymological meaning is to be owned. Husband origin, owner. When I was married, I never liked calling her that. I suggested we turned the phrase I’d still call her my girlfriend somedays. I always said, people should try divorce first before they marry and their heads might not be so big on love, or even marriage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am a big fan of Ricky Gervias, so that is good to hear. Marriage rates have been falling for a long time; I assume it will fizzle out altogether at some point.

      Like

      1. I do too about Gervais. I’m unsure about a zero point, worldwide. The Catholic church has immeasurable wealth something near twenty trillion. That kind of reach, if eliminated would mean we’ve evolved as a society probably beyond those universals such as money. Whoever has the most gold usually sets all the rules. You know, beyond the religious meaning of marriage which has a global acceptance.

        Like

      2. Two millennium. All the wealth from the Roman empire. It’s a great business model. “I’m blessed,” give some money to the church. “I’m cursed,” well give some money to the church. Like, printing money.

        Like

      3. There are derivatives. They may not have the give and take to the Catholic church. I believe its why you can have a mass at a huge church with half a dozen people or so, for well, forever. Any other business would have collapsed even at a third or half tithing of it’s members.

        Like

      4. One more thing. We used the Magna Carta, to establish our freedom in America. From England. It’s a bit strange like, having an abusive girlfriend and then getting an abusive boyfriend. Somehow its better. 😂 We already established that marriage is a cultural concept, religious based, and controlled by the state. When the “founding fathers” were arguing the Federalist papers which created our constitution I don’t think they saw more than one religion or one marriage. They saw themselves. They made laws originating in the church and set themselves free. We, the people, ha ha reinterpret those standards on the morality of the perceived majority. Perceived, because 42% of Americans really, just don’t care. It’s a slim margin, this moral majority. Ha ha

        Like

  13. Good topic. Valid. I got married out of love and stayed married for twenty five years when she lost interest. For me, there became a sort of security with the situation. I could basically have one predictable element to carry me through the days. (That is until she surprised me with “No.”) Marriage for love is really new! We are splitting off from the rest of our primate siblings. Do other animals experience love? What does a dog experience, as a pet? Is it love? Or inherent trait for dedication? What I’m thinking is, other creatures mate for life. What is their motivation? It doesn’t seem as efficient for assuring the species. My sister lived with a guy for over fifteen years before getting married to each other. Perhaps I’ll ask her how they decided.

    Like

    1. Marriage rates are at an all-time low here in the UK, I’m assuming it will become less relevant as time goes on and the law will grow to reflect that. With respect to animals, I imagine it is all based on survival. Couples that stay together may be more likely to raise offspring to maturity, and therefore, the permanence of staying together (what we may interpret as love) is valuable. However, it is not the only strategy!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I agree with everything you’ve said. I have something to say, though. Whether it will counter your point or not, I don’t know, and don’t care, either. I’m saying it just because it’s something that popped in my head when I was reading your last argument.

    Dating somebody is completely different from actually living with that somebody. So, marriage is really a great thing – not the concept itself, but the fact that two people can stand to live under the same roof for eternity, so to speak. It’s extremely difficult for one human being to live with another even for a week. So, love does play a part.

    Again, this is just something I’m throwing out there. You don’t have to respond to this.

    Like

  15. Great post! I’m gay and would like to get married some day maybe if I find someone to spend the rest of my life with. If my partner doesn’t want to get married that’s fine with me. So I’m not too bothered about getting married. I like the idea of calling my partner ‘husband’ lol is the biggest perk which is silly, I know. I like the idea of celebrating being with someone, but I don’t see why you need to get married to do that. I think it’s romantic, is my main reason, to promise yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives. But like you said, it’s romantic until it’s not and you want a divorce or separation. I wouldn’t be spending a lot of money on a wedding, I would want it in a registry office and then just food with friends. I don’t feel a need to get married, but I think it would be nice. You also get some legal rights over your partner in case anything terrible should happen, is another reason people get married. In the eyes of the law your relationship can be protected in some circumstances.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I think societal grooming has a lot to do with getting married. If your parents are married, grandparents are married, friends are married, etc; then you’ll probably assume that’s the next step in the process of life. It also doesn’t help that you have reality shows focused on extravagant wedding dress shopping and sites like Pinterest.
    My husband and I kept our wedding simple and afterwards we were like “Okay, we’re married now. Back to the daily grind.” We lived together for a year prior to deciding to get married because we wanted to make sure we could get along under the same roof. Marriage didn’t change anything except it gave us nice pictures to hang on the walls of our future home. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. There is no dictate that says you have to get married. Personally, I got married the first time because, as you said above, “that’s what everyone does.”
    My parents wanted to pay me $500 to elope, since they spent way too much money on my oldest sisters wedding. I blessed them with a picnic and BBQ for my wedding. Since that didn’t work out, I paid for the legal separation and the divorce.
    I am now on my second marriage; however, my current husband and I have co-habituated for 20 years. We have been married for 3 years. The reason? Medical insurance.
    The point – marriage isn’t a requirement. Love is love and if you and your partner decide not to have that piece of paper – that is perfectly fine. Love moves beyond reason. It has no boundaries, nor does it include a piece of paper to make it legal.
    Common law marriage has been on the books since the dawn of time. It was the decision of two people who chose to be together, grow together, create something together, and love one another.
    Follow your heart. Live your Truth…and don’t sweat the small stuff 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  18. What if someone falls in love with your girlfriend and decides to propose to her??

    If I love someone so much I will want to declare my love in every way humanly possible. But, you don’t want me to argue using an abstract approach as in “being in love”, right? Sure, I’ll try to see it from the psychological perspective. I think the importance of binding each other in a marriage (as it is acknowledged by social norm, civil law, and religions) comes from our instinct to seek safety and security, as in Maslow’s pyramid of human needs. We need to feel safe in our societal platform; we need to feel wanted as a lover as much as the trouble (by conforming to the marriage system); we need to have claims on what we consider ours. Hence, the religion and the civil law exist with the regulation to help us to ensure that.

    Religions and civil law don’t require an expensive wedding ceremony. It’s the people that overcomplicate everything. You can be legally married without a ring. And yet, I know your main concern is not solely about money. Well, nobody has a right to push someone to get married if that person doesn’t feel that the system fits him/her. Your relationship can stay the way it is and everything is peachy.

    But listen, even if you are widely known as a respectable man who never goes back on your words when you say you will give me your house, I’d love to see my name on the house ownership document. Because why not? You will not break your promise anyway. And I don’t do that so I can show it to people. We already have an agreement. I can just tell people it’s my house, I know you will support my claim. But, by having those documents, it will smoothen my way to take care of a lot of matters that relate to the house. By not having one, I will complicate myself.

    We live in a certain establishment, but we’re free to decide when we need to comply and when we can deviate from it. I believe whatever path you take you’ll put lots of considerations beforehand (this post is the proof!).

    Wow, what an interesting topic to discuss!

    Like

    1. I would argue, that if you need to be legally wed to feel safe that your partner is not going to leave for someone else, there is already something wrong. The point on safety or security is interesting, but I think it was not the intended purpose of marriage.

      Like

      1. Ya, I hear you. That could be true. I’ve never met someone I want to be married to, to be honest. So, you and your girlfriend are in agreement in this? It’s not polite for a stranger like me to ask this. You don’t have to reply to this.

        Like

      2. No, she want’s to get married lol. But she can’t give me a reason other than ‘it’s nice’ and she is too traditional to propose to me.

        Like

      3. If you propose to her, would you accept it? Do you mind if I keep pursuing this topic on your blog? You want to find the answer, right? I want to understand this too. That’s why I ask.

        Like

      4. No problem, keep asking, I like the ‘big questions’. I am not so against it that it is a deal breaker, it is just if I have a choice I would choose not to, but I realise that a relationship is between two people (normally) and I may have to compromise and stop being selfish at some point.

        Like

      5. Not everyone has what you have, so congratulations! I don’t think any man can stand me that long lol (and I’m slightly older than you!). From reading your posts, I assume you guys get along really well. That’s nice. Does it feel good to find someone you fond of want to marry you?

        Like

      6. I am happier she want’s to be with me even though I don’t really want to get married. We are quite different but it works.

        Like

      7. You said your girlfriend is traditional. So I suppose people in her inner circle are also traditional? If that so, then your gf and I have two things in common. But, this is not about me. So my next question is how her people react to this and how your gf feel about that?

        Like

      8. Her mother posted on facebook the other day wondering when she was going to be mother of the bride. She is only traditional in the sense that, I doubt she would propose, partially because she won’t get a ring out of it I Imagine. Most of the time my gf doesn’t care or bring it up, so I guess she is not too concerned at the moment.

        Like

      9. I declare whatever I said in this situation is apriori with the limited amount of data, one can only guess ;). Well, I guess there’s a possibility that your gf just want to be practical. Maybe it’ll be easier to deal with everybody and other things etc. (Ask her. I don’t know.)

        in the article I told you about, It stated 4 points why marrige is still important in the society. So, marriage is a practical solution when facing institutions, social pressure and expectations. Like you said, either way you will love her the same way. And you don’t have any plan to be separated in the future, right? Humor me, I still don’t understand: what are the big losses if a man is married to someone that he regards as an ideal partner?

        Like

      10. Big losses. Money, depending on how wealthy you’re I suppose. If you drift apart, as most a lot do, it is very difficult to separate. And you support an institution you don’t really believe in. Kind of like voting for a political party that you do not like the policies of.

        Nothing really bad, the money is the main priority for me, I would rather have somewhere to live that is mine etc.

        Like

      11. The main reason I can empathize with you is this: “you support an institution you don’t really believe in. Kind of like voting for a political party that you do not like the policies of.”

        I don’t know you guys, but it’d break my heart if you conveyed the money reason and the separated risk to your gf. Honestly, from a woman point of view, this could be pretty insulting. I get that it’s not your intention though.

        Let me put it this way, if you’re worried much about drifting apart, why are you still together now? Look, I’m not implying on anything. And this is not a rhetorical question.

        I’m inclined to see it this way: Your relationship is already matured. Seven years, 5 years of which living together, in my pov, you already tasted some parts of marriage life itself. And now, you’re left with the clutter details that just pissed you of. The infatuation phase already transformed into a partnership. And due to your personality, you approach this matter in a matter-of-factly manner.

        Have you ever asked her why she wants to be your partner? Do you like the answer?

        Like

      12. f you’re worried much about drifting apart, why are you still together now? — Becuase we like each other and work well together, and because we do not want to be, lonely probably.

        Have you ever asked her why she wants to be your partner? Do you like the answer? — I don’t see why this would have been different from day 1, but she thinks I’m nice etc. hard to remember what she says.

        Like

      13. There is a study offering some tips to avoid divorce. One of them is to engage after 3 years of relationship. Isn’t it a good sign for your case? I swear I don’t intentionally look for these articles. This marriage stuffs keep popping in whenever I surf!

        Like

  19. I’m religious. Latter Day Saints. When we are married in The Lord’s temple, we are sealed for time and all eternity. Any children we have in that marriage together are sealed to our family. I got married in the temple because I believe it is God’s temple and to attain the blessing of an eternal marriage and eternal family. And the man I married was a brain on a stick who could make me laugh like a hyena, who was good and kind, willing to work, honored his priesthood, and treated me like the love of his life and dang did I fall for that tall head of eyebrows. I hope you find a reason to solemnize your relationship with a ceremony as lavish or plain as you’d want– that feeling that he had thrown his whole soul in and planned to walk with me to the very end of time and beyond? And me the same for him? It just had this blessing attached. And a promise. A bind of the hearts which bound our souls together and helped us assert more care and tenderness and hard work than I had in any other not marital relationship.

    Like

  20. The reason to marry is to announce commitment to one another before your community of people. To make public vows is to help the wandering psyche of humans to be kept “honest” and accountable to the spouse by the mores and the people of the community. Marriage is a binding for the long term. It is also supposed to be security to each spouse that that one person has made a stand to be there until death. My response doesn’t even cover the role of children in your life and what being a parent means. Your view has nothing of this in it. Modernity has erased God and any eternal outlook. Views are then what is expedient, logical, and, so unfortunately, near-sighted. With respect,

    Like

  21. I’m looking at marriage for the 25 year perspective. When I had a stroke at age 49 I’m glad we were married. My wife had legal standing to make decisions immediately. A few years later she had a serious back surgery where I had to make decisions immediately. We each knew what to do and could insist because we were legally entitled to. discontinue to age this is increasingly important given the current state of the U.S. healthcare system.
    Everything today has a downside but if you only look at the negatives that’s all you will ever see. Risk taking can yield benefits you never can foresee.

    Like

    1. ‘if you only look at the negatives that’s all you will ever see’ I could be very facetious and talk about narcotics here, but I see what you’re trying to say, thanks for sharing!

      Like

  22. I struggle with this idea, too. I love my boyfriend. Both of us have been married before and had children in those marriages. I don’t know if I need to be married again, but sometimes it feels super important, and sometimes it feels less so. I hope it doesn’t sound shallow to say I want some sort of seal-it could be a simple ring or a trip together where we pledge our love on a mountain. I don’t want a big wedding AT ALL, and I don’t want to pledge my love in front of others. I just want to tell him. So, then I realize-why do I need to get married? I get how you feel. I was with my children’s dad for almost 26 years and that ended in divorce…I don’t think a marriage certificate is what keeps people together.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Nice one. Followed everything until this bit. Can you explain what this means?

    My response is normally related to the return on investment as I know my happiness with her will not increase it is not a great thing to spend money on. After all, you can’t shelter from the elements in a marriage.

    “I know my happiness with her will not increase” immediately raises any number of other questions– why? is it declining? do you foresee the end of it? is a relationship an investment like a bond portfolio, subject to the laws of all investments? etc.)

    I’m confident, from reading your other writing, that you could rewrite these thoughts much more clearly in a couple of minutes or less. I think you should, for clarity’s sake as well as for the sake of good writing. Lazy lines will always come back to bite you in the ass when you’re making an otherwise compelling argument.

    Like

  24. Challenge accepted!

    My response is normally related to the return on investment as any increases in happiness will regress to baseline over time. I know my happiness with her will not increase as I am already happy with her; if I have learnt anything from my education it is that hedonic adaptation comes for us all. After a period of time, this new level of happiness becomes the new normal, and marriage becomes as mundane as any other certificate you have received throughout your life. The joy from achieving a first class honours degree in the sciences wore off within a week. This regression toward the mean with respect to happiness Is never mentioned before you get married, all you here are the jokes about the old ball and chain. For these reasons I do not think it is ‘worth’ the money; After all, you can’t shelter from the elements in a marriage.

    Like

    1. Yeah, baby! Much better, I understand your thoughts now (and your girlfriend, if she reads your posts, will too). Compare it to the original:

      My response is normally related to the return on investment as I know my happiness with her will not increase it is not a great thing to spend money on. After all, you can’t shelter from the elements in a marriage.

      Now go back and improve the original post by cutting and pasting in the greatly improved sentences — and fix the one homophone typo toward the end of your rewrite, a careless “here” for “hear”. Hear, hear! Nice work.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s